I don't think desire is bad, not real desire. But often what passes for desire is merely lifeless diversions or things of a habitual nature - a reflection of things once full of life that have now become encrusted and locked into place.
I've also wondered at the question of 'justification' and what that means. What, in terms of the every day choices we make can be justified? Should everything be justified? To what degree does the need to justify favor this zombie encrustation process.
There is something in me that is eternally justifying, evaluating, calculating, protecting and holding on to. I suppose that's just the way things work but sometimes in seeing this, I recognize the sterility and pointlessness of it as well. The whole thing is a lifeless treadmill going nowhere fast.
I don't think there's anything wrong with making it in the world, but if all of my actions are 100% driven by this way of seeing things, where is there room for anything else?
Is there anything else? It seems so to me. In quite moments between the waking world and the world of dreams there is a something else. And I pursue this something else into my waking moments. I want to capture it in unsuspecting moments. I want to work with it in the way I do things too.
To me this 'something' turns the whole striving mess on it's head. Scarcity has nothing to do with it.
At this time of year as Gnostics, we celebrate the coming of the light into the world. During Advent, we waited in quiet anticipation for its arrival. During this time of Christmas we recognize its humble birth and incarnation into the world.
I imagine the world, if it could even perceive it, would see this new life as an alien intruder perhaps or even be threatened. Harod comes to mind.
What I've been slowly realizing again and again is that in my life and the decisions I make, there are no guarantees. I have to work to make space for this light. It doesn't happen by itself as far as I can tell. Like an infant, it must be protected and nurtured.
How to protect and nurture the child, I have no idea but I know making space in meditation and paying attention to dreams and fellow travelers is allowing a feedback process to happen. But I have to give it priority and make space. That's not easy.
The difficulty is that in terms that the world or system understands, all of this is unjustifiable. The infant remains unjustified because the child is non-rational. I suspect that all of us who to any degree are doing this are running against the grain of things and what do we have to say for ourselves?
As for me, I need to learn to drop the need to rationalize everything. That is likely my biggest bane and it's very tiresome. Some things just are and the best things are non-rational from poetry to jazz music to kissing to general silliness. I know this and yet...
Protecting this light against all odds is what matters most. Every time I falter I must get up and keep going. There is no other way that I'm aware of.
There is a passage in Jung's Memories, Dreams and Reflections which speaks to this I think. It was a time when he was just coming to an understanding of two sides to himself.
About this time I had a dream which both frightened and encouraged me. It was night in some unknown place, and I was making slow and painful headway against a mighty wind. Dense fog was flying along everywhere. I had my hands cupped around a tiny light which threatened to go out at any moment. Everything depended on my keeping this little light alive. Suddenly I had the feeling that something was coming up behind me. I looked back, and saw a gigantic black figure following me. But at the same moment I was conscious, in spite of my terror, that I must keep my little light going through night and wind, regardless of all dangers. When I awoke I realized at once that the figure was a "specter of the Brocken," my own shadow on the swirling mists, brought into being by the little light I was carrying. I knew, too, that this little light was my consciousness, the only light I have. My own understanding is the sole treasure I possess, and the greatest. Though infinitely small and fragile in comparison with the powers of darkness, it is still a light, my only light.
